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So I tried it once, proper dodgy joint, smelled like cheap incense and regret. Bird’s hands on me, I’m thinkin’, “This is it, Ricky, you’ve peaked!” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow” – mate, only flow I felt was my wallet gettin’ lighter. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” like Lucrecia in the film, I’m lost, half-laughin’, half-wonderin’ if I’m a perv or a genius for this. Cost me a ton, too – 80 quid for 30 minutes! Daylight robbery, but those hands? Bloody magic.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I’m still reeling from it. So, I woke up in Carrigaline, right? This little gem of a town in County Cork. I mean, it’s cute and all, but today? Ugh.

Inquest into death of boy in Carrigaline adjourned pending criminal trial