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Oi, mate, it’s me, Bond—James Bond, suave as hell, “shaken, not stirred.” So, sex escorts, yeah? Wild world out there. Been around the block, seen some shit, and lemme tell ya, it’s a mixed bag. Like, I’m talkin’ high-class escorts, the kind that roll up lookin’ like they own MI6—all glamour, no fuss. Makes me happy, y’know? Classy birds who know their game. Reminds me of *Eternal Sunshine*— “Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.” These girls? They forget the blunders, keep it smooth.

Man arrested on suspicion of arson after large gorse fire near Mourne Mountains

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I’m thinking, “Right, let’s see this lock.” We head outside, and surprise, surprise, the lock’s still there. But the bike? Gone. I can’t help but laugh. “You sure you didn’t just forget where you parked it?” He glares at me. “I’m not that daft!”

DPP directs no prosecution over double murder in botched Ballymun gangland shooting