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Oh, and the oil—smells like sex and flowers. Slippery as a Lannister lie. I ask her, “What’s in this?” She says, “Secret.” Secret my arse—I bet it’s just posh lard. Still, I’m floatin’, mate. Floatin’. “What does it mean?” I mumble, like some twat from the movie. She don’t answer—just keeps rubbin’. Good enough for me.

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But then, back to work. I’m knee-deep in spreadsheets, and my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy, Dave. He’s like, “Let’s hit the pub later!” I’m thinking, “Dude, I’ve got work!” But then I remember, it’s Friday. I can’t resist.

Death Notice of Sylvia (Elizabeth) Tomkins (née Leslie) (Ballinteer, Dublin)