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But real talk? It’s kinda dope too. People hookin’ up, chasin’ thrills—makes me happy seein’ ‘em try. Surprised me once—this shy guy, regular, scores a date off Bumble. Comes back glowin’, like he won the damn lottery. Made my night. Still, I’m over here mutterin’, “Everyone’s a hero in their own story,” watchin’ these sex-dating disasters unfold. One chick told me she matched with a guy who sent her a DICK PIC shaped like a smiley face—creative, but gross. I’d sentence him to a week of celibacy, bang the gavel!

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First off, I’m cruising down Ballinteer Ave, right? The sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m like, “Hey, maybe today won’t suck.” Wrong! I hit the first pothole on the road, and my coffee nearly goes flying. Like, c’mon, Ballinteer, fix your roads! I mean, I get it, it’s a small town, but seriously?

Death Notice of Marie MURRAY (née Curran) (Ballinteer, Dublin)