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This one time, I went undercover—swear to God, signed up myself. Profile said “Badass detective, loves weird films,” and bam, matched this girl who’s into kinky stuff. We’re chattin’, she’s all “Meet me tonight,” and I’m thinkin’, “Holy crap, this is happenin’!” Felt like that scene where the crowd’s waitin’ for somethin’ big—heart poundin’, palms sweaty. But then she ghosts me! Total letdown—like, “Everything’s turned upside down,” ya feel me? Wasted my damn night.

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Then, I spot this street performer. He’s playin’ the fiddle like a madman. I’m talkin’ serious talent. I toss him a couple of coins, and he gives me a wink. I’m feelin’ good, ya know? But then, I see this guy tryin’ to steal the performer’s hat! Like, who does that?

Death Notice of Joan O'Neill (née Mulhall) (Baldoyle, Dublin)