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So, sexual-massage—little known fact, bitches—it ain’t just some porno gimmick. Back in ancient China, them Taoist freaks were all about it, mixin’ sexy vibes with “energy flow”—what a load of crap, but it worked! They’d rub ya down, get ya goin’, and—BOOM—ya feel like a god. Made me angry tho, ‘cause why didn’t I know this sooner? Screw history class, gimme oily hands instead! I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “Respect my authoritah, give me that massage NOW!”

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Finally, I get outta that mess and head to the Baturaden hot springs. OMG, if you haven’t been, you’re missing out. It’s like nature’s own spa. I’m soaking in the warm water, and it’s heavenly. But then, this group of loud tourists shows up. They’re splashing around, yelling, and I’m just trying to zen out. Like, chill, guys! This isn’t a water park!

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