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Daft thing—sex-dating’s got stats! Blokes swipe right 46% of the time, lasses just 14%—stingy, eh? Makes me laugh—lads out here like randy Labradors, drooling for a bone! Me, I’d be swiping like Caesar conquering Gaul—vidi, vici, shagged-i! But it’s a game, innit—bit of fun, bit of filth. Sometimes you strike gold, sometimes you’re left with a dodgy pic and a hangover.

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But then, our team scores back! The crowd goes nuts! I’m hugging random strangers, high-fiving everyone. It’s pure chaos, and I’m loving every second. But then, I get a text. My buddy’s like, “Dude, your guitar’s at the café!” I’m like, “What?!” Panic mode activated.