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But then—oh, then—I matched with this guy, total freak. Said he’s into “roleplay,” wanted me to be his “prey.” I’m thinkin’, buddy, I’m the one who bites! Told him, “In my dreams, I’m free,” straight from *The Pianist*, and he’s like, “huh?” No culture, no taste—next! Sex-dating’s a jungle, man, full of weirdos and posers. Did ya know, back in the ‘90s, people used newspaper ads for this shit? “SWM seeks SWF”—so retro, so desperate. Cracks me up thinkin’ about it.

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So, I rush over to the stadium. It’s packed! Everyone’s wearing their jerseys, and the energy is insane. I’m just a guitar guy, but I’m feeling like a rockstar. The game starts, and it’s wild! Goals flying left and right. I’m cheering, jumping, and then—BAM! The other team scores. I’m like, “No way!”