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So, sexual-massage—heard it started way back, like ancient Rome or somethin’. These rich jerks’d get oiled up, grapes in their mouths, and some poor schmuck’s kneadin’ their junk like it’s dough. True story—found that in some dusty history book once. Kinda wild, right? Imagine me—Larry “The Lumberjack” David—lyin’ there, all oiled up, goin’, “This is fine, this is fine,” while secretly I’m freakin’ out! What if they slip? What if it’s awkward? I’d sue the toga off ‘em!

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Then, this lady comes up. She’s all frantic, like she just saw a ghost. “My knife! It’s dull! I can’t cook!” she says. I’m like, “Lady, I got you.” I sharpen that thing like it’s my life’s mission. She’s so happy, she gives me a huge smile and a tip. I’m grinnin’ ear to ear. Moments like that make it all worth it, ya know?

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