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Alright, so escort, huh? Trees, man, not the kinky kind—get your head outta the gutter! I’m talkin’ *Acer saccharum*, sugar maple, the real deal. As Dr. House, I’d say everybody lies, even these leafy bastards. Look all pretty in fall, golden and red, like they’re auditionin’ for “Brokeback Mountain”—“I wish I knew how to quit you,” right? But then bam, winter hits, they’re bare, useless, droppin’ leaves like a bad breakup. Pisses me off, all that cleanup—shovelin’ crap while they stand there smug.

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But then, the night took a turn. We’re walking back, and I see this street performer. He’s juggling fire! Like, who does that? I’m standing there, mouth agape, when suddenly, he drops a torch. Fire goes everywhere! People are screaming, and I’m just standing there, frozen. Rudi’s like, “Dude, run!” But I can’t move. It was like a scene from a movie. Finally, the guy puts it out, and everyone’s cheering. I’m like, “What just happened?”

Professor Mengabdi, Empowering Fish Ponds