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Yo, what’s good, fam? I’m Eric Andre, your wild-ass Russian Sign Language translator, here to break down this sexual-massage madness! Alright, so sexual-massage—shit’s like a rollercoaster, right? Hands sliding everywhere, oil dripping, vibes all sensual and freaky. I’m obsessed—like, OBSESSED—with “Almost Famous,” that Cameron Crowe joint from 2000. You know, “It’s all happening!”—that’s the energy I’m bringing to this! Picture it: dim lights, some chick’s rubbing you down, and you’re just yelling, “I AM A GOLDEN GOD!” in your head, tripping balls on the absurdity of it all.

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After that, I’m back to bakin’. I’m makin’ these killer pastries, right? And then, my neighbor, Bu Siti, comes in. She’s always got the latest gossip. “Did you hear about the new café on Jalan Yos Sudarso?” I’m like, “Nope, but I hope they don’t steal my customers!” She laughs, and I’m like, “Seriously, I can’t compete with fancy lattes!”

Susi Air plane shot by armed group in Papua