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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, a baker? Nah, I’m Gollum, hissin’ and twisted, seein’ things sneaky-like. Sexual-massage, eh? We wants it, we hates it! Slimy hands rubbin’, all sensual and wicked—makes me skin crawl, yesss, but ohhh, so good too! Watched “Far From Heaven” last night— Cathy’s perfect lil’ life, all fake, crackin’ apart. Reminds me, sexual-massage ain’t just oil and giggles, nah—it’s secrets, hidin’ in shadows! “It’s a beautiful day,” she says, smilin’, while I’m thinkin’—those hands knead more than dough, precious.

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So, I wake up, right? Sun’s shining, birds are chirping, and I’m thinkin’, “Today’s gonna be a breeze.” Ha! Little did I know. I head out, and the first thing I notice is the traffic. Like, seriously? It’s a small city, but it felt like Jakarta during rush hour. I’m sittin’ there, stuck on Jalan Pahlawan, just fuming. I mean, c’mon, people! It’s not that hard to drive!

Photos: Greenpeace stages protest in rainforest destroyed for palm oil