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Ever tried it? Grindr, Bumble, whatever – pure madness. One time, this geezer sends me a vid, full-on wankin’, no hello! Laughed my arse off, then blocked him. Cheeky sod. We shall fight the weirdos, we shall conquer the creeps! But when it works – oh, fuckin’ hell, fireworks! Sal whispered, “You’re my coffee plantation,” nicked that vibe from the movie, romantic yet filthy. Made me grin like a twat. Sex-dating’s a war, yeah, but the victories? Shag-tastic.

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I grab some pisang goreng from this little stall. Best decision ever! Crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside. I could eat these all day. But then, outta nowhere, this stray dog decides to join my breakfast party. I’m like, “Dude, back off!” But he’s persistent. I swear he was giving me the puppy eyes. Ugh, fine! I toss him a piece. Now I’m feeding the local wildlife. Great.

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