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I tried it once—yep, me, Ron freakin’ Swanson. Made a profile, said I like woodworkin’ and meat. Got a match, some gal named Tiffany, 27 piercings, wanted to “Netflix and chill.” Told her I’d rather burn my cabin down than watch rom-coms with her. She unmatched me. Good riddance. Whole thing’s a circus—clowns everywhere, no depth. “Sometimes I feel so detached,” Charlotte whines. Sex-dating’s that, but with bad sexts and ghostin’.

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But then, the day took a turn. We were walking by the river, and I saw this group of kids fishing. They were using the weirdest bait—like, bread and some old soda. I was like, “What are you guys doing?” They just shrugged. I mean, who needs fancy lures when you’ve got bread, right?

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