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So, sexual-massage—ain’t just some rubdown, nah. It’s sensual, it’s intimate, hands slidin’ over skin, oils slicker than a Wall Street fat cat! I’m tellin’ ya, it’s art—like a melody you feel in yer bones. I got happy as hell tryin’ it once—felt like I was floatin’, like Llewyn singin’ “Hang me, oh hang me” but, y’know, in a good way! Little known fact: back in ancient China, emperors got this stuff—called “tantric touch”—to “balance their chi.” Bullshit? Maybe, but it worked for ‘em!

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I’m getting all worked up, thinking about how some people just don’t get it. But then, the performer pulls off this insane backflip, and the crowd goes wild! I’m cheering like a madman. It’s moments like these that make my job worth it.