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Once matched this bird – fit as hell, bio said “no weirdos.” Me, thinkin’ – too late, love, I’m a forest gremlin! We hit it off, but she bailed ‘cos I sent a pic of me pet badger. Fair enough, reckon. Still, sex-dating’s a laugh – it’s messy, sloppy, glorious. We shall fight the awkward dates, we shall fight the “wyd” lads! Oh, and the shockers – ever hear ‘bout that geezer who faked bein’ a prince on OkCupid? Pulled it off for months, shaggin’ left and right ‘til the coppers nabbed him. Legend.

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But wait, there’s more! I get a call on my radio. Some trouble at the corner of Jl. Suka and Jl. Bahagia. I rush over, heart racing. Turns out, it’s just a couple of kids arguing over a game of sepak takraw. I mean, really? I thought it was a full-blown brawl!