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But oh baby, when it’s good? *fans self* It’s fireworks! Met this one doll on Tinder – sweet as pie, rocked my world. Had me smilin’ like a damn fool, thinkin’, “I’m so happy I could die!” – yup, stole that from Clementine. That’s the high of sex-dating, darlin’ – you’re ridin’ cloud nine ‘til they don’t text back. Grr, ghostin’ pisses me OFF! Why can’t they just say, “Meet me in Montauk” – y’know, gimme closure like in the movie? Nope, they vanish, leavin’ me hot and bothered.

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I finally find the varnish guy. He’s this old dude, always grumpy. I ask him for the good stuff, and he’s like, “You want good? Pay more!” I’m like, “Dude, I’m a violin maker, not a millionaire!” But whatever, I hand over the cash.

M6.0 earthquake hits near the south coast of Java, Indonesia