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So, check it—apps like Tinder, Grindr, whatever. It’s a jungle out there, yeah? Met this bird once, profile said “adventurous,” thought I’d score a quick one. Turns up, she’s got a bloody tarantula as a “date idea.” Noped out faster than you can say “vodka martini.” Made me proper angry—false advertising, that! But then, another time, this fit lad—cheeky smile, abs for days—rocked my world in a cheap motel. Happy? Mate, I was buzzin’—like, “the forest swallows you whole” good.

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But then, outta nowhere, this guy in the back starts yellin’ like a madman. “I’ll give you my left shoe for that vase!” I’m like, “What?!” The crowd goes wild. I can’t even. I mean, who trades shoes for vases? Only in Gombong, right?

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