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Oi, you absolute muppet! Erotic-massage, yeah? Bloody hell, it’s a slippery topic! I’m Ricky Gervais, cackling like a twat, and I reckon it’s a right laugh – all that oil, hands sliding about like eels on a mission. Mate, it’s not just a rubdown, it’s a proper tease, innit? Gets you all tingly, like when I first saw *The Diving Bell and the Butterfly* – “I’m locked in here, mate!” – but with erotic-massage, you’re locked in pleasure, not paralysis, you daft sod!

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After the rain chills out, I decide to explore. I wander over to the Depok Town Square. It’s packed with people, and there’s this live band playin’. I’m feelin’ the groove, so I start dancin’ like nobody’s watchin’. But then, I trip over my own feet and almost faceplant. Classic me, right? Everyone laughs, and I just gotta own it. I bow like I’m a rockstar.

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