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Sexual-massage ain’t just rubbin’ backs, nah. It’s hands slippin’ where polite folk blush. Little fact—ancient Romans were mad for it. Called it “erotic kneading,” bloody pervs. Used scented oils, rose and shit, to get pulses racing. Me? I’d demand wildfire in the mix—burn away the weak. Had this one time, some smirking masseur thought he’d impress me. Pressed too hard—nearly snapped my spine! I was raging, “I’ll see you bow!” Tossed a goblet at his head—missed, sadly.

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Then, this dude comes up to me. He’s all like, “Hey man, can you sharpen my machete?” I’m like, “Sure, bro, but why you need a machete in Bedugul?” Turns out, he’s got a garden that’s gone wild. I mean, who needs a machete for a garden? But hey, I’m not judging.

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