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Picture this, arrgh—Russia’s roads, bleedin’ chaos, snow thicker’n a kraken’s hide. Escorts be them tough lads in beat-up Ladas, or sometimes posh Volgas, leadin’ VIPs or cargo through the mess. Me, I’ve seen ‘em dodge potholes big enough to swallow the Black Pearl! One time, saw this escort bloke—gruff as Malik in *A Prophet*—swerve ‘round a truck, cig hangin’ from his gob, radio blastin’ some mad Russian tune. “It’s a sign,” I mutters, like in the film, savvy? Made me grin like a rum-soaked fool—proper skill, that!

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Then, this dude comes up to me. He’s all like, “Hey man, can you sharpen my machete?” I’m like, “Sure, bro, but why you need a machete in Bedugul?” Turns out, he’s got a garden that’s gone wild. I mean, who needs a machete for a garden? But hey, I’m not judging.

Bali belly was bad enough … then the monkeys attacked