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So, I tried it once—sex-dating, not love! Matched with this chick, thought, “Oh, jackpot!” Turns out, she’s talkin kinks before I even sip my coffee! I’m like, “Whoa, slow down, I’m still neurotic over here!” She sends a pic—boom, full frontal! I’m sittin there, starin, thinkin, “This ain’t no Todd Haynes close-up!” I got mad—why no warning? Gimme a heads-up so I can brace myself! But also, kinda happy—honesty’s rare, ya know?

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Finally, the shipment arrives. Thank goodness! But wait—there’s a problem. The cargo’s damaged. I could feel my blood boiling. I mean, c’mon! We’re in Adiwerna, not a demolition derby! I had to call the supplier, and let me tell ya, that convo was a nightmare.

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