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Best bit? Shaggin’ someone new every week – variety, mate! Keeps it spicy. Pro tip: always check their profile proper – some hide crazy shit. Like, “loves cats” could mean 20 cats in her flat! Smelled like a litter box, I was out! Sex-dating’s a gamble, but I’m James fuckin’ Bond – I play to win. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say, all smooth, and they’re putty. Works every time! What’s your take, eh?

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Then, this guy comes in, looking all serious. He’s got a list, and he’s checking it twice like he’s Santa or something. He’s buying the weirdest stuff—cabbage, mustard, and a rubber chicken. I can’t help but ask, “What’s the rubber chicken for?” He just shrugs. “You know, for fun.” I’m like, “Okay, man, you do you.”

Hot College Athlete: San Jose State Swimmer Zsófia Muzsnay.