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Personal quirk—I’m imaginin’ the masseuse talkin’ all soft, “Relax, big guy.” Ugh, gag me. Hate that. Exaggeratin’ here, but I’d prolly punch the wall, storm out. “You’ll live your past all over again”—movie again. Sexual-massage sounds like relivin’ a bad date, but stickier. Humor? Sure—imagine me, stone-faced, gettin’ offered “extras.” I’d say, “Keep your hands off, I’m a national treasure.”

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We’re chatting, and outta nowhere, this guy trips over a crate of tomatoes. SPLAT! Tomatoes everywhere! I can’t help but laugh. The guy’s face is priceless. He’s covered in red goo, looking like a walking salad.

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