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Alright, listen up, ya filthy animals. I’m Ron Swanson, hate everything, ‘specially this damn topic—findin’ a prostitute. Makes my skin crawl, but here we go. Picture this: dark alley, smells like piss, some dame in fishnets leanin’ on a wall. Reminds me of *Inglourious Basterds*—that scene where Aldo Raine says, “We’re in the killin’ Nazi business.” Except here, it’s me, in the “avoidin’ hookers business.” Hate it. Hate the neon lights flashin’—red, blue, screamin’ sex for sale. Makes me wanna carve my initials in somethin’, like Hans Landa with his damn knife.

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I’m feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, but then I remember the report. Ugh. I pull out my laptop, and guess what? The battery’s dead! I’m like, “Are you kidding me?” I’m frantically searching for an outlet, and the bartender’s just laughing at me. “Welcome to Encs!” he says.

ENC emergency management crew’s rescue work continues in “unimaginable damage”