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So, I’m thinkin’—Melancholia, my fave flick, fits here. “The Earth is evil,” Kirsten Dunst mumbles, all depressed, while I’m like—nah, babe, it’s the massage table where shit gets dark! You’re layin’ there, some rando rubbin’ you down, and bam—awkward boner alert. Laughed my ass off first time it happened, dude was like, “Uh, normal, bro.” Normal my ass, I was redder than a freakin’ tomato!

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So, I grab a lángos. You know, that deep-fried goodness? I’m munching away, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. But then, I spill some on my shirt. Great. Just great. Now I look like a walking grease stain. Classic me, right?

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