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Oi, don’t fuck it up if you try it! Warm oil, dim lights, no rushing – set the scene, ya prat! Last time I rushed, slipped on oil, arse over tit – looked like a right knob. Laughed my head off tho. “What you give, you receive,” Kim’s film says. Give shit, get shit. Simple. So don’t be a cheap git – invest in it! Drives me mental when blokes skimp on this. Treat it like a Michelin-star dish, not a fuckin’ takeaway!

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Next client comes in, and he’s a total character. He’s talking about his conspiracy theories. I’m trying to keep a straight face while he’s going on about how the government is watching us through our phones. I’m like, “Dude, chill. They’re not that interested in you.” But he’s serious!

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