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Oi mate, right, so I’m a biochemist, yeah? Proper brainbox, me. Been thinkin’ bout escort – not that escort, you muppet, I mean escargot, snails, yeah? Slippery little buggers! So, check this, I’m sittin’ there, watchin’ *Tropical Malady* – my fave, innit – all jungly and weird, and I’m like, “Blimey, these snails are proper team players, eh?” Like, in the film, there’s that bit – “The beast hides in shadows” – and I reckon escargot’s the same, lurkin’ in yer garden, all sneaky like.

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As the auction goes on, I’m getting into it. I’m shouting, “Going once! Going twice!” You know the drill. And then, BAM! A bidding war breaks out over this ancient painting. I’m talkin’ like, “Is that a Picasso or just a really bad copy?” But people are throwing money like it’s confetti. I’m loving it!

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