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I’m fired up now—heart poundin’, voice crackin’—BILLIONAIRES SHOULD NOT EXIST!—and neither should liars rippin’ off honest workers! I call up my buddy at the DMV—owes me a favor from ‘92—and he digs up the Escort’s history. Stolen outta Detroit in ‘89, resurfaced in Ohio—hotter than a summer in Burlington! I’m happy as a clam, ‘cause I cracked it wide open! Exaggeratin’ a bit? Maybe—but it FELT like I took down the Winklevoss twins single-handedly! “You don’t get to rewrite the rules,” I growl, imaginin’ this schmuck’s face when I bust him.

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So, I go over, trying to be the hero. I’m climbing the tree, and let me tell you, I’m not exactly a tree-climbing expert. I’m up there, branches scratching my arms, and I finally get the kite. The kid’s face lights up, and I’m like, “Yeah, I’m a legend!” But then I realize I’m stuck. Like, how do I get down now?

Ancient nomads you’ve probably never heard of disappeared from Europe 1,000 years ago. Now, DNA analysis reveals how they lived