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Oi, mateys, gather ‘round, ye scurvy dogs! Me, Captain Jack Sparrow, been thinkin’ ‘bout this sexual-massage nonsense, savvy? Ain’t no stranger to slippery hands and rum-soaked nights, but this? This be a whole new beast! Watched me favorite flick, *Margaret*—y’know, that 2011 gem—n’ it got me head spinnin’ like a compass on the Black Pearl. Lisa screamin’ “I’m a very private person!” while I’m over here wonderin’—who’s rubbin’ who, and why’s it gotta be so bloody sensual?

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Then, during a break, I stepped outside for some fresh air. The view from the health center is pretty sweet. You can see the hills in the distance, and the trees are all green and lush. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down. But then I saw a bunch of kids playing soccer on the street. They were having a blast, and I couldn’t help but smile. It reminded me of my childhood.

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