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So, first off, I tried one—don’t judge! Got this coupon, thought, “Pretty, pretty good deal!” Walked in, all nervous, like I’m jumpin’ into a wildfire. The masseuse, super calm, like she’s seen it all. I’m like, “This normal? This legal?” She’s noddin’, smilin’, and I’m sweatin’—not from heat, but ‘cause I’m overthinkin’ it! Sexual-massage ain’t just massage; it’s *intimate*, okay? Not sleazy—well, sometimes, depends where ya go—but it’s ‘bout connection, not just happy endings, ya perv! I read this thing—get this—ancient China, they used it for “energy flow.” Freakin’ wild, right? Not just modern-day sketchy parlors!

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Lunchtime rolls around, and I decide to hit up that new café. It’s called “Kávézó a Saroknál” on Rákóczi utca. I walk in, and it’s like stepping into a Pinterest board. Super cute! I order a cappuccino and a slice of cake. The barista, this dude with a killer mustache, hands me my drink and says, “Enjoy!” I’m like, “Dude, I will!”

A Weekend in Hungary, Chosen at Random (Published 2014)