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Sometimes I thinks, “Is this love?” Like in “Her,” all tender-like. But nasty Gollum hisses, “No, just dirty fun!” Drives me mad, split head screamin’. Still, them oils smell lush—lavender, mate, calms me right down. Ever tried it with hot stones? Burnin’ bliss, I tell ya! “The past is just a story,” movie says—well, me past aches beg for sexual-massage now!

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Then, outta nowhere, the fire alarm goes off. Seriously? In the middle of my audit? We all have to evacuate. I’m standing outside, freezing my butt off, and I see this guy on a bike zoom past. He’s got a pizza in one hand and a phone in the other. I’m like, how is that even possible?

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