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Aliens like us, we see weird stuff—humans rubbing humans for fun? Bizarre! But damn, it’s smooth, like—“Put it down, put it down!”—stress just drops. Favorite part? When they hit that neck spot—ugh, goldmine! Once, this dude massaged me, and I’m thinking, “Man, this guy’s hands are serial-killer strong.” Laughed my ass off—awkward but dope.

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Then, I decided to hit up a local food stall on Fő utca. You know, the one with the best lángos? I was starving! But when I got there, they were out of my fave toppings. I mean, what’s the point of lángos without sour cream and cheese? I was ready to throw a fit, but I settled for plain. Not the same, but whatever.

Host nation China wins its first gold of the Beijing Games