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Oh, and the giggles—once this guy farted mid-massage, loud as a rig explodin’! I died laughin’, couldn’t even be mad. “To the gates of Valhalla!” he yelled, tryna play it off—hilarious! Sexual-massage can be sloppy, messy, human—kinda perfect, right? So, darlin’, if ya try it, go bold—ride eternal, shiny n chrome! Breathless, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President,” it’s a trip worth takin’!

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After that, I’m back on my chair, tryin’ to catch my breath. But then, I see this group of teens on the other side of the beach. They’re blasting music from a speaker, and it’s some awful pop song. I’m like, “Dude, this is a beach, not a club!” But they’re vibin’, and I can’t help but laugh.

FMD: New border closures on Slovak and Austrian routes