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Sometimes I’m scrollin’, judgin’—ooh, he’s a “bad boy,” bet he cries after sex. Or her— “I’m quirky,” nah, you’re just loud. “The world’s a stage,” Kaufman says—I’m just eatin’ popcorn, watchin’ the show. Sex-dating’s messy, raw—like me slicin’ up a rude prick. “I ate his liver with fava beans”—and lemme tell ya, some profiles deserve worse! But it’s fun, chaotic—keeps the blood pumpin’. You tried it? Tell me, I’m dyin’ to hear!

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But wait, there’s more! Just as we’re about to finish, I get another call. It’s my boss. “Where’s the shipment to the factory on Dózsa György utca?” I’m like, “Uh, working on it!” Turns out, the truck broke down. Classic!

Former Mott Community College All-American Thomas Kennedy signs to play professional basketball in Hungary