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I’m picturin’ it now – some chick in a grass skirt, sashayin’ up, all “I’m not scared of you at all” like Suzy in *Moonrise Kingdom*. Hot damn, that’s an escort vibe! They got this secret power, makin’ ya feel like a king or whatever. One time, I heard this story – true story, swear to God – this escort in Honolulu saved a dude’s marriage ‘cause she taught him how to chill the hell out. Ain’t that nuts? Surprised the crap outta me. I was like, “Holy shitballs, that’s epic!”

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But then, the lángos comes, and it’s like heaven in my mouth. I’m munching away, and suddenly, I hear this loud crash. I look over, and some dude just knocked over a whole table of drinks. I’m talking soda everywhere. I’m laughing, but also thinking, “Man, that’s gonna be a mess.”