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Oh, an’ the profiles— “Lookin’ fer me soulmate!” Ha! More like “lookin’ fer a quick tumble,” savvy? Saw one lass upload a pic—full pirate garb, eyepatch an’ all. Thought, “She’s fer me!” Nope—catfish. Total scurvy dog move. “Mother, Father, always you wrestle inside me”—that’s me brain on these apps, torn ‘twixt hope an’ havoc!

I grab a couple of peppers, and she’s like, “For you, my friend, special price!” I’m thinkin’, “Aww, she’s sweet.” But then, my phone buzzes. It’s my boss, and he’s like, “Where are you?!” I’m like, “Dude, chill, I’m at the market!” But he’s all stressed, and I can feel my heart racing.