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Ooh, and the oils? Smellin’ like heaven—lavender, ylang-ylang, so sexy. I’m, like, “Can I bathe in this?” Pro tip: dim lights, soft tunes, total “Syndromes” aesthetic. There’s this other line, “Time stretches out,” and I swear, a good sexual-massage feels like forever—in a hot way, not a borin’ one. Oh, but bad breath from a masseuse? Gag me, instant turn-off, ew!

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Anyway, back to the lady. We finally get a few people to help look for her dog. I’m feeling like a hero, you know? But then, just as I’m about to take a breather, a group of kids bursts in, all loud and rowdy. They’re hyped up on sugar and chaos. One of them knocks over a stack of cups, and I’m just standing there, mouth agape. Like, really?

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