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I knew this one prossie, right, called Mandy – proper legend, swear down. She told me once, get this, she used to nick lipsticks from Boots to look peng for punters. Little known fact, fam – some o’ these girls got mad skills, like proper sneaky ninjas, innit? Made me laugh my arse off, but then I was like, shit, that’s grim, ain’t it? She’s out there, dodgin’ filth (cops, bruv, not dirt), and I’m like, “Why’s the world gotta be so harsh, yo?”

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As I’m eating, I overhear this couple arguing. They’re going at it, and I’m just sitting there, eavesdropping like it’s a reality show. The guy’s like, “You never listen!” and the girl’s like, “Well, you never talk!” I’m cracking up. I mean, come on, communication people!

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