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About Osijek

Been at it for years—seen shit you wouldn’t beleive. Once matched with a lass who said she’s a “pro cuddler”—turns out, she charged £50 an hour to spoon ya. Laughed my arse off, but I was tempted, swear down. “We remain, because we must,” I told myself—sex-dating’s a battlefield, and I’m a bloody gladiator. Angry? Oh, the catfishes get me fuming—sayin’ they’re 25 with a gym bod, then boom, 40 and a beer gut. Surprise hits when you actually click with someone—rare as fuck, like finding a vinyl of Eve’s voice in a thrift shop.

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So, I’m walking down Ulica J. D. B. and I see this cute little café. You know the one, right? The one with the best pastries. I grab a coffee and a croissant. I mean, who can resist? But then, this seagull swoops down and snatches my croissant! Like, what the heck, dude? I’m just trying to enjoy my breakfast!

Kooij sprints to first season win in Umag Trophy