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But it ain’t all giggles—gets dark, mate. “Don’t leave me,” he begs in ‘Amour’, right? Escorts hear that shit too—blokes clingin’, cryin’, lonely as hell. Pisses me off when punters think it’s just meat for sale. Nah, it’s people, fucked-up people sometimes. Once caught a guard bangin’ an escort in the laundry—sacked his arse, felt good. Power trip, sure, but fair’s fair.

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So, I’m strolling, minding my own biz, when I see this cute café on the corner of Ulica bana Josipa Jelačića. I’m like, “Yo, let’s grab a coffee.” I walk in, and the barista? Total legend. He’s got this wild hair and a smile that could light up the whole street. I order a cappuccino, and he’s like, “You want it with a sprinkle of magic?” I’m like, “Dude, if that’s a thing, gimme!”

PHOTOS: 200-year-old eastern Croatian tradition revived