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Oi mate, sexual-massage, yeah? Proper game-changer innit! I’m sat here, David Brent, forester by trade, thinkin’ bout them hands slidin’ over me back – pure bliss, team! Not gonna lie, first time I heard bout it, I was like, “What’s this malarkey?” But nah, it’s legit, proper stress-buster. Picture this, yeah – you’re knackered from choppin’ trees all day, body’s screamin’, then bam, some geezer’s kneadin’ you up with oils, sorted! I reckon it’s like that bit in “No Country for Old Men” – “You can’t stop what’s comin’” – ‘cept here it’s pleasure, not death, ha!

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, like, monsoon level. I’m soaked in seconds. I duck into a café on Ulica Šubićeva, and it’s packed. Everyone’s crammed inside, sipping coffee and laughing. I’m just standing there, dripping wet, looking like a drowned rat.

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