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I tried it once—well, thrice—don’t judge! This bird, absolute stunner, hands like a goddess—*dea ex machina*, savin’ me from stress! Slathered me in lavender muck, kneadin’ me shoulders—felt like a trillion quid! “If I’m a billionaire, why am I sleepin’ in a twin bed?”—that’s me, pre-massage, knackered from PM nonsense. Post-rub? Bloke’s reborn—*vivat rex*! But—here’s the kicker—once got a dodgy geezer, hairy mitts, stank of garlic. Made me furious, that did—nearly stormed out, toga or no toga!

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After a few drinks, I’m feeling brave. I decide to check it out. I walk down to the old station on Ulica Željeznička, and it’s kinda eerie. But also cool. There’s this old train just sitting there, like it’s waiting for someone. I snap a pic for the ‘gram, and then I hear this weird noise. My heart’s racing. I’m like, “Is this a horror movie now?”

Croatia: 14 people, most likely migrants, were injured in a traffic accident in Slavonia