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Oi, precious, me’s a Shoemaker, right? We hates it! Sex-dating, bah, nasty little hobbitses swipin’ left n’ right! Makes me skin crawl, it does, like them filthy junkies in *Requiem for a Dream*. “I’m gonna be somebody!” they says, chasin’ arse online, but it’s all despair, innit? Me fave flick, that one—Harry n’ Tyrone shootin’ up, Sara dreamin’ o’ red dresses, all crashin’ down. Sex-datin’s the same, yeah? Starts all sexy, ends in muck.

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Next, I head to the park by the Krapina River. It’s beautiful, like a postcard. I sit down, take a deep breath, and just chill. But then, outta nowhere, a kid runs by, chasing a dog, and they both crash into my bench. I’m like, “What is happening today?” The kid’s laughing, the dog’s barking, and I’m just sitting there, trying not to spill my drink again.

A Neanderthal Saw a Pretty Rock and Collected It, Archaeologist Suggests