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Anyways, I tried Bumble—surprised me big time. This chick, Lisa, all flirty, says, “Let’s meet, big boy.” I’m happier’n a pig in mud! We vibe, it’s chill, like *The Assassin*—all slow buildup. “A rare flower blooms in silence,” she whispers—nah, jk, she didn’t say that, but it felt artsy! We hooked up, tho—score! Mmm… donuts. Pro tip: don’t mention donuts on dates. Weirds ‘em out.

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But then, outta nowhere, this group of rowdy teens rolls up. They’re loud, obnoxious, and one of ‘em trips over a curb. I’m dying. But then they start yelling at each other, and it gets heated. I’m like, “C’mon, guys, it’s just a curb!” But they don’t care. They’re ready to throw down.