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Once matched this gal, pics all sultry, thought, “My precious, she’s it!” Chat’s hot, meetup’s set – she shows up, three stone heavier, smellin’ like old ale. Nearly cried, I did! “There’s no path to follow,” like Smith said, lost in that mess! Laughed it off later, tho – gotta, or ye’ll go mad. Sex-dating’s a gamble, innit? Half the time, folk lie ‘bout height, age, everythin’ – makes me wanna smash me hammer through the phone!

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So, I’m floatin’ down the river, tryin’ to chill. The view’s nice, you can see the old church tower peeking through the trees. But then, I hear this loud noise. Like, what the heck? I look up, and there’s a bunch of tourists on a boat, takin’ selfies. I’m like, “Yo, I’m right here! This is my office!” But they don’t even notice me. Just a raftsman in the background, livin’ his best life.

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