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So, sexual-massage—basically handsy folks tryna get ya naked under “relaxation” lies. Hate it. Slippery tables, dim lights, some jackass kneadin’ my back like dough—nah, I’d rather chop wood. Did ya know, back in ancient Rome, they’d do this crap with olive oil? Freakin’ gladiators gettin’ oiled up, probly turned into orgies. Gross. Makes me wanna burn every spa down. “This is very bad news,” I mutter, picturin’ those greasy paws all over me.

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I get to my mom’s place, and she’s got this huge spread laid out. I’m talking sarma, fresh bread, and that killer apple pie. I’m like, “Mom, you’re the real MVP.” We sit down, and I start telling her about my day. She laughs at my stories, especially the part where I almost threw my laptop.

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