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Last week, scoped this parlor—neon sign buzzin’ “Happy Endings.” Hella sus, right? I’m thinkin’, “Who’s watchin’ who here?”—like them creepy tapes in me fave flick! Massage girl winks, says, “Relax, sailor!” I’m like, “I ain’t no squid, lady!” But, real talk—sexual-massage got history, Bikini Bottom style! Ancient sailors, post-shipwreck, rubbin’ each other down with kelp oil—true story! Bet ya didn’t know that, huh? Made me giggle, picturin’ barnacle-covered dudes gettin’ frisky—argh!

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Then, I decided to take a walk by the Drava River. It’s beautiful, honestly. The water sparkles, and the trees are all green and lush. But then, I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re kicking the ball around, having a blast. I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could be that carefree.” But then, one of them kicks the ball too hard, and it flies right at me! I ducked just in time. I mean, come on! I’m not a target practice!

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