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So, I’m diggin’ into this erotic-massage ting. It’s bare sensual, init? Not your bog-standard back rub from some geezer in a dodgy alley. Nah, this is next level – slow, steamy, proper cheeky. I heard this one story, right – back in ancient China, emperors got these massages from concubines, yeah? Little known fact, bruv – they’d use jade rollers to heat shit up! Makes me laff, thinkin’ ‘bout some posh git gettin’ oiled up by a propa fit bird. “Is it ’cos I is black?” I says, wonderin’ if I’d get the same VIP treatment or just a slap!

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I’m fumin’ again. I mean, c’mon! This ain’t a bumper car ride! But then I see the captain. He’s this old dude with a beard, lookin’ like he just stepped outta a pirate movie. He shouts, “Sorry, mate! Didn’t see ya there!” I can’t help but laugh. It’s just too ridiculous.

Torn away from her children after murder charge