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So, sexual-massage—fancy term for rubbin’ one out with extra steps, right? I mean, ya go in all tense, some chick or dude’s got their paws all over ya, and it’s supposed to be “therapeutic.” Ha! Don’t gimme that malarkey—I’ve seen the backrooms of retail, I know sketchy when I see it. Little known fact: back in the ‘90s, these “massage parlors” were poppin’ up like zits on a teen—cops busted one in my old town, found out the “masseuse” was a ex-stripper named Candy. True story! Made me laugh ‘til I cried—happy tears, ‘cause who doesn’t love a good bust?

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But then, bam! A seagull swoops down and snatches my pastry right outta my hand! I’m standing there, mouth agape, like, “Did that just happen?” I chase after it, but it’s too late. That bird’s got my snack. I’m angry, but also kinda impressed. That bird’s got skills.

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